I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
