YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
