I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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