I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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