did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
