Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
