I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss