there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.