did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid