I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
