my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
