The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
