I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
