so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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