your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
