i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
