The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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