god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
