I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
