i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
