He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
