Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Even my vagina gasped.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
