Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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