have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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