i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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