I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Randomize
