I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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