Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
