I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
