Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Success! We fucked roommates!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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