I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
