you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
