I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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