You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
