Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
