your parents love me but you hate me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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