Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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