I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
