I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess