I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
