I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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