I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
