i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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