she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
