dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
