Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
