I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
