I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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