stop calling my apartment porn island.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
