Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
