Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
