your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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