Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
