Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
