Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
