ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
