She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's official drugs can't kill me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
