it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
