i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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